Dear Friend,
Well, here is my rambling answer to your question as to whether I have had times when Bible reading and “being still” have been a problem. I have to say “Yes” to your question. It has been part of my life but I am starting to learn some lessons that have taken considerable time to learn. If you have the time, I will share some of it, but remember it is what I have had to deal with and I think it is a bit different from your situation. However, I hope you will find something useful in it.
I recognize and understand your comment: "I have been all over the Bible lately". I have felt stressed in finding something that would touch my heart and in those times, I have to remind myself…this is God’s Word and even though sometimes I don’t feel a thing, it has to be telling me something.”
I can’t really say that life and busyness, as you say, have taken away time from reading the Bible and “be still”…for me it has been more like a state of mind that crept up on me and the Bible became “locked”. By that, I mean the word of God was silent. I read it and it was very "cold". So I stopped reading for a while but started all over again and was "all over the Bible” in search for a “living word” without a single touch in my heart.
I stopped reading again. What was the point? I could just as well have read the telephone book. I thought about those times when I could not get enough of the Bible. I read books, I studied like “crazy”, and it was so very exciting! I was so happy for every word that spoke to me and I swallowed knowledge fed from Bible teachers like somebody who had been starving for a long time. "Gluttonizing in the word of God"; imagine that!
When I wrote about Romans 5 being "stuck in grace," I was so happy for the “vision" since it had been so long since anything from the Bible had had any personal meaning to me. Psalm 148 was also a blessing because it is all focused on God and worshipping him and I could just agree with the word and stop thinking if I could “feel” anything at all.
I tried to change versions of The Bible and have used different translations, both Swedish and English and sometimes a glimpse of gold could shine through the dimming veil but I had no expectations whatsoever to find what I had before; excitement and joy in the Word.
However, through all these failed attempts to find my way into the Word again, the Holy Spirit had some “truth” for me.
1) "You don't have to read the Bible to please God. He knows His Bible already. You read the Bible for your own sake and not for His”
That made me both happy and angry. “I know that already!!!
But, He countered: “I don’t think you do.”
“If you know so many verses by heart; if you know exactly where in the Bible you can find a word; if you have read the whole Bible in a year; are you without guilt if you read two chapters instead of one verse?”
“You worry about how much you must do to please God to be worthy of His love. But you can do nothing. Remember it’s all under the blood.” Reading the Bible is not collecting points in a contest… it is building a relationship with Me.”
GUILT! Ever have that feeling?
Guilt is something the evil one hangs around my neck like a cold, wet shawl that has been dipped in the sticky syrup of guilt to be sure it really hangs on to my conscience. The evil one (and I myself) has no difficulty finding many, many things that would put me in a bad position any time God would grant me a look from His heavenly window.
Do you remember that I wrote about “the big finger in my face” and the sign reading, "Not Good Enough" above my head? The evil one is trying that trick even today although I keep reminding him, “It’s all under the blood.” He is trying to make me forget the moment when “He who has seen me has seen the Father” came alive in my living room and God became the God who smiled. Even though I have thrown off that old rugged shawl called GUILT in the Name of Jesus, the evil one keeps bringing it back with assurance that this time he has me right where he wants me. Yet, the answer is still, “It’s all under the blood.” Moreover, so is my guilt.
2) “From Genesis to the book of Revelation it is all God’s word inspired by God to encourage, warn and bless you whenever you open the book.”
“I know that already!!!”
“Well then … when you are skipping around in my Word looking for something for your soul you are in such a distress to find something “edible” that you miss what is right under your nose. Believe me, even the reading of chapters about Genealogy can be a blessing at the right time and place. So you can relax in whatever book, chapter or verse you are in because I’m right there with you.”
“Then, how do you explain why my favorite reading turned into a “dead” obligation? And, how can you complain about my search for something that will tell me that you are there with me?” (Here comes the painful truth...)
“It wasn’t me locking the Bible it was you who locked your heart; you left your first love. Your time isn’t too occupied by life; it is your heart’s desire that has turned somewhere else and you know where. And, when you make an effort to come into my presence, you are sitting on nails because you would rather be somewhere else. And, you are angry with me.”
Well, true. But … Oh never mind!
3) “To explain this some more …remember your friend Mia’s words when she said, “What you really want to do, you do.”
“If your desire was to be with me, you would be eager to find the time and place to be with me no matter what. You would make priorities to find the opportunity like… two lovers who would seek moments to be with each other. But, that is not the case in your heart and I get the “leftovers” of your time.”
“I have known you all your life and even before you were born. There is nothing you can do to make grace wider, longer, or deeper than it already is because it is ‘enough’. And, grace would not be grace if you had to achieve it by works. You need to find humility and that brings me to number…”
4) “Pride”
“You have been crushed many times through life and pride would not be the first word you would think of in this matter. Your character doesn’t show pride in the way you act in your every day life but in relation to me, there is still pride lingering in your heart. Isn’t it pride that talks when you accuse me of “locking” my word instead of searching the truth in your heart? Isn’t it pride when you waste time against better knowledge? Isn’t it pride when you leave me behind?”
And so the conversation went on but I will stop now and hope it can bring you some comfort and some encouragement and maybe some thoughts that can bring a solution to your problem.
The Truth will set me free it says and so it will. I don’t think that I will find the inspiration on the same level and in the same way as it used to be. I really think it will be something better, knowing God and that He is trustworthy in all His doings. I guess this “conversation” has also left me with a feeling of relief; I don’t have to “perform” anything but rather “embrace” a gift, unfold it and discover a surprise every time I read the Bible.
That’s a start.
Sincerely yours,
Ida
